The very first thing an Asian person will do when meeting other Asians of the same ethnicity (Chinese, Korean, etc.) is evaluate how ‘Asian” the other people are. A quick assessment will be made based on clothing, hairstyle, and accent. However, the most important part of this process involves speaking in the Asian mother tongue.
During the first conversation, the most confident Asian will find some excuse to speak in their mother language. This may involve ordering food (if at an Asian restaurant) or asking what another person’s Asian name is. Once this is done, they will all engage in what is not so much a conversation but a battle of wills. Each will attempt to assert their superiority by speaking more fluently than the other.
Winning this battle involves speaking faster and with a better accent than the other person. If they are able to use a word that the other person has to ask the definition of, the asian will have scored a great victory. However, if they mispronounce a word, or even worse, have to ask someone to slow down, then they have indubitably failed. The other Asians will know that they are inferior to them in terms of their ‘Asian-ness,” and the asian will have to face that for the remainder of the time they spend with these people.
Ranking ‘Asian-ness” is done using a complicated scoring system. At the bottom is simply being able to understand the language. This is a common characteristic of Asians who spoke English to their parents, but were spoken to in their mother tongue. But like any commonality, it is nothing worth bragging about. The rest of the list follows in increasing point value: speaking with an English accent, speaking with a perfect pitch, and finally being able to read and write.
Interestingly enough, no points are awarded for speaking English with an Asian accent. The pinnacle of Asian superiority is to be able to switch between flawless English and Asian languages at will, the inevitable deciding factor in this game of linguistic battleship.
In the case of a tie, bonus points are awarded to the asian who has lived longest in another Asian country. Like everything else, these are also ranked. ‘Oh, I was born in Korea but my parents moved here when I was three,” falls short of ‘We moved back to Taiwan when I was ten, and I finished high school there,” and finally, “Yeah, it’s really different than growing up here…”
How can you use this information? If you aren’t Asian, and you happen to have a decent grasp of an Asian language (perhaps through a college course), you gain a tremendous amount of leverage when hanging out with Asians. Just strategically drop your knowledge of the Asian language into the conversation (some examples ““ talk about your semester abroad in Asia or order food at an Asian restaurant, etc.). You will immediately shame any Asians who cannot speak as well as you with the knowledge that a non-Asian is more ‘Asian” than they are. On the other hand, Asians with an equal or better grasp of their mother language will be positively delighted that you have taken an interest in their culture. They will constantly attempt to speak their language with you in order to help you practice, and also to shame all the ‘lesser” Asians in the group.
Note: If you are a white male, you can use this to pick up Asian girls with great success.
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