While we’re two posts removed from “Flied Lice,” it’s only proper to recommend a place to test out your newfound language skills. For that reason, this Sunday’s article is about Asian Buffets. Asians love a bargain whenever it may come around. However, bargains are very hard to come by in one of the wealthiest nations in the world. That is why asians go to buffets. At a buffet, asians not only get one bargain, but a multitude of bargains. So much so, that asians will return from a buffet and continue to reap the fruits of the labor days after.
When looking for a buffet, asians aren’t very picky. They never mind that they’re probably paying 12$ for soup and salad because they can realistically “eat as much as they can eat.” This is very important because when asians see something that is virtually “unlimited,” it is instantaneously a bargain. No questions asked. Sometimes, the dominant asian bargaining trait kicks in, and Asians will even heckle the turkey carver into giving them larger portions.
In the long run, it doesn’t matter, because asian buffets have, along with the traditional orange chicken, chow mein, and fried rice, a myriad of new foods you’ve probably never seen before. Foods that overshadow the obvious lack of desserts at Asian Buffets. Foods such as fried frog legs, fresh oyster, and mayonnaise shrimp have more flavor in one bite than all the food combined in a local Hometown Buffet. Asians love this food because of its savory goodness, and will try to savor the goodness even when they go home.
As one commenter said, “In the case of many asian mothers and grandmothers, buffets are places where you can also ‘grab a sweet potato, wrap it in two or three napkins, and stuff it in your purse when no one is looking.‘ ” This is the very same mother or grandmother that will tell an asian to starve themselves before going to a buffet. This allows the asian to make the most out of every dollar and maximize opportunity costs and utility.
But let’s get back to the main point of this post: bad pronunciation practice. To bet able to practice your bad pronunciation, ask one of the waiters if they know where the “fried rice” is. They will most likely answer, “What? Flied Lice? Aisle 3 behind chow mein.” (Then you can ask if their daughters are going to “Stamfurt” too.) Step it up a notch and ask where the restroom is, and you will receive an answer that sounds very much like the left side of a pregnant woman’s stomach (West Womb). The main point is that asians love people who try new things. When people try to learn asian languages, they are very happy to know that there will be one more person in the world that can communicate with them. (but let’s save that for another post).
Here’s the breakdown: To properly go to an asian buffet, starve yourself the day of the feast. Proceed to bring at least 5 ziplock baggies. It does not matter what brand they are. Then, bring a list of common foods with R or L consonant sounds in the beginning or the end of the word (ie. fried, rabbit, lettuce, frog…) and create innovative ways to say them to the waiters. They most likely know what you’re trying to do because they’ve probably heard it before, but they won’t care. You’re learning their language, you’ve already paid, and you’re at their buffet. This is all that matters.
For a list of Great Chinese Buffets in the Southern California Area, click here.
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